Not really a rant...more an output of feelings...
I hate feeling this way. So many feelings and thoughts combined. I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel angry, I'm sick of being here, where my problems are stuck in my face 24/7. I can't get away, there's nowhere to go. I can go home for a few days and escape, but the issues are still here when I return. I can't move out, I have nowhere to go (except home, which isn't really an option). I don't even know how I feel anymore. I want to know the answers, I want to hurt myself, I want to scream, I want to cry, but I have to pretend everything is ok. I think I might have something else going on in my head other than just feeling bad. My dad suffers from depression and I'm worried I might have it too, considering I'm alot like my dad in alot of ways. I'm afraid to go and see someone professional for fear of what the answer could be. I've done those online depression tests (I know they're not a diagnosis) but I've done like 3 different ones and they all come up as "you could be suffering from severe depression. It is recommended you get professional advice/help" or something like that. I just want to feel ok again. I'm sick of being so fucking lonely, I'm sick of feeling so goddamn angry and sad. I'm sick of pretending everything is so fucking perky! Other than my housemates I have no other friends except like 2 from up home. I've made 1 friend while I've been down here, and I've been here like 6 months. I don't even know why I'm writing this, it's not making me feel any better, writing it down doesn't even help anymore. Hopefully I'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow, but it's not likely...Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks for reading, and suggestions are welcome...I must seem like a depressive fuck, and I could really go a cigarette right now...well I gotta die of something huh? I can't even drink away my feelings like I used to... .
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"I'll face myself to cross out what I've become,
Erase myself and let go of all I've done..."
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I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven..."
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