I'm so selfish!

OzzieJess · 11-22-2008, 08:20 AM

I just really don't like myself right now. I have it so good. and yet i'm so lonely and sad.

I have a great job, I get paid great and can afford to look after myself. I'm healthier then I have been in the last couple of months. And I have great family and friends.

I'm so selfish. I must be cos I want more. I'm lonely cos i'm an idiot. I don't want to go to bed by myself anymore, I don't want to wake up alone anymore. I want to come home to someone. But I'm sick of looking. I'm sick of being let down. I'm so freaking selfish. I want it all. I want the true love, I want the perfect family. I want the best job. I want to see the world. I want to be the best I can be.

I have it better then all my friends when it comes to money and family and friends. Yet, It just feels like something is missing. Some people think that money can buy you happiness, well let me be the first to tell you it can't. It can buy you pretty things it can't buy you love. When Love is all I want. I want someone to love me, I want to fall in love. I want someone who msgs me in the middle of the day even though they know i can't answer back. I want someone who will take a stupid photo on their phone and send it to me during the night. Someone I can call when i have nightmares, and he'll say tell me everything, even though it's 3am and he has work in 4 hours lol.

I'm so selfish.... :(

I'm sorry.

rez · 11-22-2008, 12:19 PM

Why are you saying sorry! We are here for you to talk to wheneva you want!

Sweetie - you ain't selfish. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting more. Thats what motivates us to go forward and try to get the things we want.

If nothing else, know that you are not alone. You have pretty much described exactly how I feel lately. Sometimes I think there are no good guys in the world... and then I think there is just no one for me. But if its going to happen, it'll happen. You gotta have faith that when the time is right, it'll happen.

*hugs jess*

OzzieJess · 11-22-2008, 12:37 PM

*hugs back*

Faith is over rated. I only have faith in myself these days. (no really it's my middle name and soon to be my second tattoo)

I just feel selfish cos I have so much more then alot of people and i'm complaining about something so stupid. It makes me feel mad at myself and then I feel like i'm not doing enough for the world. :( I'm not helping enough. :( I sponsor a child but that's it. I need to do more.

I just feel so incomplete. So lost and confused. :( AAARRRRGG I suck.

Almost-Insane · 11-22-2008, 12:46 PM

its not really selfish its just you seeing what you have and what you havent got and wanting to fill in the void, thats more just human nature. why dont you give to charity now and again? ive signed up to help fund a cancer research thing maybe you could do something similar.

maybe just sit back and relax a bit. one day someone will come along. the more you actually look for that person the longer it may seem to be taking, if you put it out of your mind then sometimes fate has a way of making everything work.

OzzieJess · 11-23-2008, 01:31 AM

I'm not looking anymore. :( I'm tired of being disappointed.

I'm just lonely. but i'll be fine. I'm off to the airport this afternoon, i'm back to work. :(

Markme · 11-25-2008, 09:52 AM

i hate it when i can see that your hurting and i hate most when your bring yourself down.

give a man a ferrari and a yacht and a rich life style and then take it off him after he gets used to living like that and hes not going to know where hes going, what hes doing and how hes feeling about life.

that applies with you and your recent break up, you guys were together for a long time and now your without that lifestyle and you miss it and theres nothing wrong with at all with missing something like that.
And your right, money cant buy your happiness, but you spend your life unhappy because of dwelling on the past.

Dont give up on finding the right person for you, because you'll never find something your not looking for. Your a brilliant girl jess, your attractive, you have an awesome personality, You are selfless and you are just over all brilliant
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.
And thats why we all love you, so if you keep shining your beautiful self out there, one day some one will come along and see all this and make you the center of their world.

i hope you feel better soon, in time things will correct themselves.

rez · 11-25-2008, 12:16 PM

ditto to what Mark said

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

OzzieJess · 11-30-2008, 05:16 AM

i just wanna give you a hug mark. I'm going to run away and come and live under your bed until i can feel again. is that ok?

I'm on the verge of quitting my job and going home.

I havn't felt this alone in so long. I just want to disappear. but i can't do that cos i have work tomorrow.

I figured out the problem. I'm looking in all the wrong areas for what i think i want. And the worst problem is I don't know what I want. Other then to run the hell away from the mess i've made for myself. And now i have to see if i can clean it all up. :(

How is it that i can always put others before myself and still feel so selfish?

Markme · 11-30-2008, 06:56 AM

well you certainly can come live under my bed
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
, although im not sure where my bed is going to be for the time being.

i think the reason people can feel selfish even when they are putting others forward is because... well, from my seat i see it this way..
I have every day problems like every one else, i got told this morning that i was useless and i was going no where and yelled at pretty much all the way to work....
i got out of the car in a fucking rage, kicked a tree, walked another 30m to the entrance of my work and buzzed the door bell..
ronny opened the door, i smiled and answer his question(how are you today), with, "yea im good, how about yourself"...

i answer that because i dont want to burden others with my issues, i dont want to need help and i certainly dont want to talk about things.
Even when it seams like i have a legitimate reason to have a problem, such as my grandpas death, my mum getting cancer, friends dying... it makes me feel like im attention seeking if i tell any one...
which makes me feel kinda selfish because other people have problems..

sooo after that huge ass thing i just wrote, i can relate it to you because you Jess, jess has her problems like everyone else, but jess doesnt want others to worry about her and feel that she needs help, every now and then jess cant handle holding anything more in so she has to let it out and tell people, but she feels bad because other people are having their own problems aswell and she may feel that her problems arent as bad as other peoples.

Just remember Jess, that everyone handles things differently.
my friends and family died, i cried for half an hour, wrote a poem and thought for abit and got on with my life, i know others who have lost a friend and cried every day for weeks and slept where the person died(on the side of the road) and still are pretty unstable if you ask them about it.

OzzieJess · 11-30-2008, 07:11 AM

You seem to know me too well. I always lie to people, i tell them I'm alright. Cos it's easier. Cos I don't want others too see that i'm not as strong as I let on. Plus up here at work no one would care or listen. My friend up here lost her dad to cancer just over a week ago, and the truth is i wouldn't tell her about my problems cos she has enough right now.

I deal with my life by crying. I tried all morning to cry. I just couldn't until i read your first post. i'm just to numb to cry. I'm to numb to understand. all i know if i'm hugely disapointed in myself. i just can't feel it.

I don't want anyone up here at work to realise i'm not as strong as I let on. If i was home it'd be ok. Cos i know my best friend even though she's have a run of bad luck too wouldn't mind listening to me cry my eyes out about how i feel and what's going on. but up here I'm alone.

(it's why i got pre-paid wireless broadband)

Markme · 11-30-2008, 07:29 AM

hmmm i dont think i know you too well, but i just find it very easy to read people through their words and actions.

yea i can understand what you mean with your friends and people up there.
You would be suprised how much you would all pull together if there was a tradgedy.
you just really need to find a healthy way to release your negative energy, try getting a multivitamin, vitamin B12 helps keep you sane.

what happens in life happens and i guess there isnt too much you can do to change it, but just try to remember that you can always better yourself in the future.