Ahhhhhhhhhh

[sarah2]

Fucking hell.
What do you do when you have absolutley nothing to live for except for the one thing that will fuck you up?
I actually think I am going to die if I don't let some of my frustration out, so, I'm sorry for this, but I've just got to stop grinning and bearing it and start fucking complaining or else I'll go mad.
I fucking hate methadrone, this piece of shit heroin substitute they've got me on, I hate it!
And fuck me, I hate how people are finally proud and happy of me, oh well done Sarah, you're getting clean, I'm so HAPPY for you. No you're fucking not, you're happy for YOU, because now you don't have to deal with me being a shit all the time.
I have nothing, no energy, no life in me. Now, what the fuck do I have to live for? Another methadrone hit and a fucking STD. Wonderful.
I hate the way the world works. This isn't working, but I can't let anyone know that because I'll sound so fucking un grateful. But in truth, all I want to do is escape all the therapists and NA sessions of smiling, hopeful faces and go and die in a hole of drug wonderment.

[Flaming_Rat]

The fact that you have people who are willing to say they're happy for you (whether it's true or not) means you have something to live for. Hang on to the things that make you truly happy, and hold them as close as you can. You'll eventually absorb the fact that a few close friends and a good word is all you need.
An old song I used to play at bluegrass jams says "all the things we used to think were happiness, in the end were only pleasure...". Find the happiness, and realize that the pleasure isn't what keeps you going.

[CJDude]

You can keep fighting Sara, your a surviver its what you do! keep at it, what else is their for you to do?

[Shinzy]

It's going to feel like you have nothing to do as you probably were so wrapped up in getting heroin. You just need to take your time and try to believe that people are there to help you for YOU not for them.
It is good that you're getting clean, but if you feel like its not working then you shuld tell someone..

[Confubbled..]

You should tell someone how you're feeling. It's ok to feel that way. Getting clean isn't easy and of course you're going to completely hate it..that's normal. But talk to someone about it. Therapists are there to help. Let them know that you don't want to sound ungrateful but that's just how you feel. That's not your fault. Keep fighting it sarah. You've made it this far..just keep it going. ♥

[sarah2]

Heh, thanks everyone, I just had a bit of a down moment there.
I took a week out and went to the coast on holiday with my sponser, it was good, relaxing, finally away from doctors and all that.
But now I'm back I have to go to the hospital for a while, the pills they're giving me are not combining well and the side effects are really wearing me out. I'm getting sick of HIV meds and tests and sympathetic doctors already, I dunno how I'll manage the next few days!
You guys are right, getting clean is the best thing to do, I wasn't happy, and with my HIV, I would'nt have survived a lot longer whoring and using. I do miss the rush though.
I feel bored, all the time, so dull, like the world is leaving me behind and I'm just stuck.

[CJDude]

The world isnt leaveing you behind, you need to find some thing that helps you reconect. Get a job or a hobby or some thing?

[sarah2]

Hmm, to be honest, I'm not really up for a job at the moment, and I've found it hard to get work since well, I've never had a proper job and I'm a heroin addict! Recovering, but still an addict, it makes work a little difficult, I mean, what are my employers going to think when I'm being sick all the time because of the hige amount of HIV meds I have to take at different times in the day and I'm taking methadrone in the toilets? I'm hardley employable!
A hobbie, this sounds good though, I used to be into sports, and playing instrements, I could try taking those up again?

[CJDude]

corse you could, ease your self into sports gentally tho, and dont get frustrated with your self if you arnt as good as you where strait away, it is possible that your body might kick your ass for a wile as you get usd to being active.

On a side note, you are in teh UK arnt us Sarah? Because your illness, ither of them, should not disqualify you from getting a job, you may need some retraining, or just training in general, but that would be good for you aswell, get you out their with people that dont know about your past or your HIV so they wont be judgeing or simpathetic?

[sarah2]

Yeah, I know they can't disciminate, especially on the HIV front but I think they're allowed to say I'm not appropriate for a lot of jobs, because I still rely on drugs, state given drugs, but, I'm dependant on methadrone, which makes working hours difficult. And I'm still very much in the early stages of getting clean, which makes me feel like I'm not ready also yet. I've never been able to hold down a job because I'm so unreliable, I've only ever managed a few days before I get fired for not turning up or stealing from the place...etc (obviously, I would'nt do that now).
I know I need to ease myself back into normal society, but the pressures of a job are a bit much right now, and I was also thinking about going back to school (again) because I have no qualifications at all and it might be fun? Last time I went back to school, it was fucking horrible, but I might try again soon. September perhaps?
I think when I've got clean before, I've done things very quickly, wanted to be normal again so bad that I've rushed it, you know? It takes a long time and I still feel shit all the fucking time, partly because of sickness from HIV shit, partly because methadrone just isn't heroin and partly because getting clean is horrible and makes me very depressed.

But yeah, you're right about the sports thing, I used to be pretty good, but any exercise now just wears me out! The doctors have told me to start exercising again because I need to build up my body strength, gain some weight - being fit and strong is better for fighting off infections which will cause AIDS. I'm giving it a go though, bit by bit.

[Markme]

Ask your doctors if they can give you a steroid called Deca-Durabolin...
Its what they use to treat alot of aids patients... it adds muscle, and increases your immune system...

It could be the difference between saving your life and not...

[CJDude]

you should go back to school, that would be good for you. but your right not to rush into things, take them one step at a time.

[rez]

I'm only new here but reading through your thread, I really wnated to say that i think you a positively awesome. You have been thru so much and here you are - actually trying to turn your life around in a world that doesn't make life easy for people in your situation.
There is no way I can possibly understand what you are going through, but I'm (and I'm sure everyone else feels the same way) here if you need to talk or cheer along when you need to shout a healthy "fuck you" to the world.
So proud of you Sarah.

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[sarah2]

Haha, thank you, and believe me, you don't know the bloody half of it! That's probly a good thing though, I doubt you would be so keen to talk to me if you knew everything I've done.
And I'm sure you do understand, whether it's drugs or relationships, deaths or family, or whatever - shit happens to everyone. I've just had a bad few years, it'll pick up some time!
But that's behind me I guess, except things keep popping up from my past which is fucking annoying, I was out for a walk today, and an old...buisness partner came up to me and started yelling, like screaming at me, the bastard. Thank god we were on a relitivley busy street because I've seen this guy go mental before and he's caused me some serious damage before. He says I still owe him fucking money!
It's such a joke, because, ok, I may have robbed him a quid or two, but I don't HAVE these hundreds of pounds.I don't have the energy to be hounded like this. The only way I can get that money fast is to, find my father, where ever the fuck he is, and get it from him, which means all kinds of complications, or work for this guy again to pay him back - I can't do that again.
I could get another job, but, fucking hell, where? And how? AHHHHHHHHH.
Why does shit you do always come back and bite you in the arse?
I was so desperate when I worked for him, and even more desperate when I stole from him, like it wasn't fucking degrading me enough, it still haunts me, the shit that I was willing to do.
I'm feeling shit and tired and ill and fucking depressed enough as it is without all this shit again. I'm just managing to hold it together and I just never want to see these people again.
What do I do!?

[rez]

Believe me - I don't care what you've done in the past. That's no one's business but your own and people who judge you can go fuck themselves because they deserve as much pity as I can give them for being so close minded and stupid.
Right - you are certainly in a tough situation. What's brillient is that you recognise the situation and cn clearly state you you don't want to "go back" to that life. WOO HOO SARAH - you rock!
This guy that is chasing you up for money - are you in danger? Is there someone you can ask for. I don't know the specifics, but maybe the cops can help?
You are 17, right? Are you in school?
There is ALWAYS a job if you are willing to work for it. I worked in a fast food place in order to be able to afford uni. I know that sort of work is boring, but its honest work and its a stepping stone to something more if you want it to be.
The things we have done in our past make us who we are today - and from what I can see you seem to be a decent and caring person.
You own your past, it doesn't own you. Don't let it mess you your future.

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