Ahhhhhhhhhh

[sarah2]

I guess I am in danger, yeah, this guy is not messing around. He's fucking mental, I've seen him do some seriously horrible shit and he's hurt me before, not too badly, just a few bruises and shit, but it taught me to not mess around with this guy. He means fucking buisness.
Here is where the british justice system fails me, once again. This guy is basically a 'pimp' (I hate even saying it, because it makes it sound like some kind of ganster movie), I used to work as a prostitute - I'm not fucking proud of it, but I was desperate, I had nothing, nothing except a 100+ pound a day heroin habit. Being a whore made me enough money and it was easy, dangerous, degrading and awful, but easy. Also easy not to pay this guy what he charged for getting the punters in.
I tell the police - I get in trouble, prostitution is illegal and I stole from him, this guy knows enough people that even if he did get arrested, they'd fuck me over.
I know my past shouldn't be an issue, but here it fucking is, rearing it's ugly head again, to fuck me over AGAIN!
I can't deal with this right now. I just want to use.

I'm not in school no, havn't been for a few years, going back to a re-take school in September though.
Yeah, I've been looking for a job today. Nothing, fucking nothing. I look so awful, I'm pale and ill looking, sweating and shaking because I'd been out too long and hadn't taken my methadone out, paranoid and thin. I'm unemployable! I can't get an interview anywhere, I have no qualifications, nothing. I'll try again tommorrow, but there is no way I can earn the amount he wants in the time he wants it.
The only person I can get that kind of money off is my father. But I can't face him.
Or, I could work for this guy again. But, that's not a good idea right?

And on top of all this, I'm getting clean! I'm in no fucking fit state. I'm ill because of this stupid cocktail of pills, I'm angry and upset all the time. I just, I just can't do this.
But this guy, he's gonna cause me some serious damage if I don't pay him back. I've been beat up by dealers before, last time they broke my ribs, it was years ago, but, I'm so not up for that again.

[CJDude]

Sarah, i'm sorry that this awful shit is happening to you. If you where to go to the police they would protect you, yes prostitution is illigal, but you are out of it now, and you are still a minor, that affords u some extra leeway, they arnt allowd to let you be in danger! chacnces are if this fucker is as bad ass as you say they have something on him, and they want him but they cant get to him.

Dont go back and work for him, you all ready know that its a bad idea, but its always good to re-enforce that.

I dont care about what you have done in your life Sarah, but no one deserves the shit that you have gone thru. Is their any way that you can get away for a little wile, go visit uncle Jimmy in brighton or some thing?

[sarah2]

Well, either way, I'm not going to police, they have too much shit on ME for me to just walk in there. It's just not a good idea, and I'm not getting those other girls into trouble either, it's just not right.
Ok, so I don't work for him again, I wont go to the police. What the fuck CAN I do?
Haha, nah, I'm afraid not. My family abandoned me a long time ago, I would rather be a whore than go crawling back to them.
The only one who wouldn't slam the door in my face is my father and I'd rather die than see him again.

[Markme]

hmm...
if he is going to cause you some serious dammage..
id say be ready to defend yourself, carry a knife or something.
Self defence cant get you put in jail, in most circumstances.

i mean telling the police makes you feel like shit, but your fighting for your life already in a sence, go to the police tell them about the threats, tell them the whole honest story and tell them you dont want to be named at all.
That way they dont know you go him put in jail and you should be safe from then on.

[sarah2]

I don't want to put him in jail.
I'm not going to the police, I know I'm being stubborn but it's not the way I'm going to deal with this. The police almost always complicate things and with people like this, I would be in a MUCH worse position if I got him in trouble, it's not justice, but it's just life.
Perhaps most people just go to the police if they're in trouble, but it circles like this, we just don't. I never have and worse shit than this has happened, because I know the police wont really help.
And they've got enough on me to put me in jail!
I have a tonight and tommorrow to find this money and I don't have a fucking penny.
Hmmm... I either steal it, borrow it, or go to my father for it.
All this is doing is stressing me out, I know using isn't going to help, but I just, it's all I want.

[CJDude]

then i guess you need to swallow your pride, and what ever else is stopping you from talking to ur father and just get it done. I mean how the hell are you going to borrow a large some of money? you dont have any thing that can be used as collaterall, and unless you are going to be borrowing it from some one thats illigal no one will lend to a minor. and if you do borrow from an illigal lender then you are just as fuckd, it'll just take a bit longer.

If the poilice allready have stuff on you then why risk stealing any thing? they will find you and you'll go down.

you know what you have to do, just get it done pay the basterd off and get on with your life

[rez]

Jesus, I don't know what I can possibly say.
This is such a messed up situation. I'm so worried about you.
Is there anyway you can get away from the guy? Move towns for a fresh start?

[sarah2]

Don't be too worried, I'll work it out.
Nah, I'm not moving towns, I have a life here and I'll be damned if this dick is gonna ruin that.
Yeah, I guess, but it's not really a matter of swallowing my pride, I didn't really explain properly, sorry.I've had to cut connections with my father for my own safety. He used to beat me up when I lived at home, he sexually abused me when I went to live with him once my mother had kicked him out, and now he's an alcoholic with serious anger issues. A couple months ago, I just told him, enough, I don't need you, and it's just not good for me to be around you, I told him I never wanted to see him again. Perhaps it's my pride, because I don't want to accept help from someone who treated me so badly.

I don't know if I can face him to be honest, this guy, it isn't easy, but I know I'll find a way out of it. But my father, I don't think I'm strong enough yet to be confident that just seeing him again wont send me right back to using.
My sobriety is the most important thing in all of this to me, and I think seeing my father may tip me over the edge, and I don't want to risk that. He hurt me in the worst way a father can, he was the one who should have been looking after me, when all he did was the complete opposite. It's hard enough looking past abusers in the face, but when they're family, how the fuck do you deal with that?
It seems I might have to though. I'm just fucking scared.
All I want is for my past not to matter anymore, I never want to see old pimps, dealers again, I certainly need to put what happened with my family behind me, but it's like I can't.

[rez]

From what you just said about your father - you are prob better off not going near the bastard.
MI haven't talked to my own dad for the last year and a half and I have no intention of making contact with him unless he gets himself help and actively tries to get himself together. So yeah - I can understand not wanting to see you father (especially considering the things he has done to you).
I hope you do sort it out, but please don't go back to using or get involved with that other bastard again. That guy is BAD NEWS, but you know that.
Take care.

[sarah2]

Thanks, I'm glad you understand, it's just not healthy for me to have any contact with him. He's not good for me.

Originally Posted by rez
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I hope you do sort it out, but please don't go back to using or get involved with that other bastard again. That guy is BAD NEWS, but you know that.
Take care.

Yeah, I know that, but well, easier said than done huh?
I know using wont solve anything, but it's all I can think about, all I need right now.

[rez]

Originally Posted by sarah2
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I know using wont solve anything, but it's all I can think about, all I need right now.

Using is thr LAST thing you need right now. With all the crap going on in your life, the last thing you need is to be adding another problem to your life.
Look at how brillient you are - you are not using. You saw what it did to you and you STOPPED. So many people can't do that, but you did.
Don't you understand how wonderful that is?

Yeah, I know that, but well, easier said than done huh?

Ain't that the truth with everything? That guy is a jerk and he deserves to be in prison. You can't convience me otherwise. Be stubborn all you want, but regardless of the whether he hurts you or not - he has def hurt people in the past (including you) and will continue to do so in the future. Who are you protecting in this situation?
If you have someone talk to the police for you as a an annonimous sourse, surely they would be more interested in catching the guyhigher up in the food chain than you as a former user.

[CJDude]

Rez is right, unless you have done some thing spectacularly huge that you havent told us about, they want the pimps and dealers rather than the users and workers. the users and working girls, more often than not are seen as the victoms.

I understand why u dont wanna talk 2 ur father, and i agree with you that contact with him would be bad for you at this point.

You have done so well sarah, so so well. Rez is right, you kicked it, your out of it now and its amazing! you are working to get your life back on track, your even planning to go back to school, that is HUGE dont let this bump in the road send u back to the dope, your stronger than that, your better than that!

[sarah2]

Heh, I guess it's wonderful I'm clean, but, I'm so early in, I can't get ahead of myself. The first year is the hardest, and I'm no where near a year! It's just when I get stressed out, and thinking about all this is just sort of making me remember and need skag again.
Yeah, you're right, it's just a bump in the road, but that's the thing about addiction, it's like my security blanket, the only way I've survived the past 5 years is by doing drugs and that being enough to block it out, to sort out all my problems, evidently ending me up with more in the long run. Now I'm left with an STD and a whooole lot of shit to sort out before I can move on with my life.
By not going to the police, I'm making this less complicated, all this needs to be is an arrangment between two people. Stealing, we all did it, it's just how you survive in that environment, it's taken seriously, but only because he wants money now, but you tell the police about someone like this, well, then it is no longer just about money, no, you've betrayed the circle.

This guy, yeah, perhaps he does deserve to go to prison. But according to british law, so do I, so do a lot of people. Dont you think that people like my father deserve punishment more? I do, there's one thing fucking someone you don't know, even making money from that, but thats all it is, money. To do that shit, to your family, not for money but for the pure pleasure of causing other people pain, that's so much sicker isn't it?
We were all so desperate, this guy could be doing worse things than whoring out girls to fuel his habit.
Well, I only have a few hours, so I'm going to go out and find this money somewhere, or come to some arrangment with him. Wish me luck.

[CJDude]

i agree, your father dose deserve to pay. Luck!

[sarah2]

Well, I managed to combine two of the worst options, I was desperate, I just went around everyone I thought could get me money last night, I could have done some dealing, but being near drugs, I couldn't face it. I could have done a few jobs, people offered some stuff I could have done, but, these people, they're all pretty dodgy, and the jobs, they're either sickening or they carry a serious risk, or both.
I ended up at my fathers house. Bad idea, I know, but the sun was rising and I was running out of time. Luckily, he was asleep with beer and puke all over him in front of the tv that he'd left on. I stole as much cash as I could and some stuff to sell, but as I was crawling out of the window he woke up because I knocked some empty bottles over. He had that, still drunk look in his eye, that look that scares the shit out of me, he was shouting, trying to pull me back in the house, it was fucking horrible, I was lucky to get away, only got some big purple bruises from where he held onto my ankle.
I payed the guy back, ok, I saw my father and it was horrible, but I got away and I didn't co operate with him. Fuck him, if I'm gonna steal from anyone, I'm glad it was him.