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Poetry If this is your kinda thing then you can share your work here.

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Old 07-07-2008, 04:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Mirror
Take a look in my mirror
notice the despair and terror
you can see inside of me
fear of life, death and possibility
so much shame that cannot be ignored
disabling misery encompasses my soul
I bite my tongue
because my ego is stung
I hold my image
but it's just a false visage
discover my naive realism
twisted into an achromatic prism
you can distort my sight
go ahead and warp my mind
nothing is as it should be
I can't control this dream
blood stained fairy dressed as an angel
destroying my trust, leaving me mangled


child of the darkness
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"heres to all the soldiers who have ever died in vain, the insane locked up in themselves the homeless down on main. To those who stand on empty shores and spin against the wind, and to those who wait forever, for ships that won't come in"

"Ti amo, Jeg elsker deg, Je vous aime, Ik hou van jou, Amo-o, Miluji tě, Я люблю Вас, Le amo, Volim Te, Σε αγαπώ"
Ten ways to say: I LOVE YOU!


Pillz-e, Foamy and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.... Gotta love em
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Old 07-07-2008, 04:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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It sort of feels as though you're a slave to your own rhyme scheme here. When restricting yourself, try to make your restrictions serve your work instead of vice versa.
Something someone told me once "your words need to do your heart justice". In other words, don't let the act of saying something get in the way of what you have to say.
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Old 07-07-2008, 08:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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wow, you have quite a big emphisis on word choice in this one, not in a million years would I have come up with the word achromatic to describe, well anything really, but you used it quite well, correctly. Awesome little peice.
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Old 07-09-2008, 12:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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there was more to the poem.... but it really sucked.... i need to re write it..... im just too lazy i guess...... and thanks for the compliment.... i like to use big words and make things sound complex.... its a bad habit really.... lol
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"heres to all the soldiers who have ever died in vain, the insane locked up in themselves the homeless down on main. To those who stand on empty shores and spin against the wind, and to those who wait forever, for ships that won't come in"

"Ti amo, Jeg elsker deg, Je vous aime, Ik hou van jou, Amo-o, Miluji tě, Я люблю Вас, Le amo, Volim Te, Σε αγαπώ"
Ten ways to say: I LOVE YOU!


Pillz-e, Foamy and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.... Gotta love em
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Old 07-09-2008, 01:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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no it doesnt, the use of descriptave terms is very much a good thing.
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