Forgivness

[CJDude]

ITs not your fault Sarah! and every time you say (or type) that out loud he wins! you made mistakes in your life, their is no avoiding that, but what he did to you was all on him! his fault not yours!

As for not thinking he deserves to die, that proves that you are exactly what i have always thaght you are darlin, a sweet kind hearted girl. It pulls you back to humanity and its really a good thing that you have those thaghts!

[sarah2]

Thank you, but I don't think I'm particuarlly sweet or kind hearted!
Well, I went to see him on Thursday. I'd had my own appointment, a little to worry about, but nothing too major, somehow still fighting off infections (and gained weight! finally!)
I tried so hard to tell him what I felt, but I just, I'm so bad at saying stuff like that. Me and my therapist talked it all over on Monday and I even wrote down a few things, which I did manage to say.
But he just didn't understand. He can't see that what he did was wrong, he can only see that it's my fault and I should be thankful to him for everything. But, he's done nothing but fuck me up the past few years. I want him to be sorry, but I guess I can't tell him how to feel, perhaps he's just disillusioned, perhaps he really is a perverted monster, perhaps he's just a horrible man. I find it so hard to believe though.
I still have so much loyalty to him which is stupid.
He apologised, and was happy to see me, he bitched about my mother and longed for my sister, he told me how much he loves me and how he isn't afraid of death. But he looked so pathetic, so ill, so yellowing and deathly, I just felt sorry for him. No, I pitied him.
He looks years older than he is, he dosn't look like the same father I had when I was little, it made me realise, he is not the man who taught me how to ride my first pony.
I've changed a lot since then, and so has he.
I think I will forgive him, with time, and I don't hate him so much now and I'm going to visit him next week too. Not because he needs me to, but because I need to, for me.
And, it was my father who infected me, he's had HIV for years without knowing, admitted to me that he must have got it while on a buisness trip a few years ago. But because he hasn't known and has been abusing his body by drinking so much and living like a pig, opportunistic infections have had a feild day and his immune system is beyond repair. There are too many things wrong with him for me to even remember and his body will shut down from one or another soon.
That's pretty scary, because of him, I will die one day in a similar way, that same pathetic, pale, gaunt look, that same shiver and sweat, those same infections and cancers eating me away from inside. He did that to me, he condemned me to that death, to an early death after a life of being different, of being unclean and taking cocktails of meds every fucking day. That's his fault. And I do hate him for that.
That's why I think it is time for him to die, time for him to be out of my and everyone else who knows him's life. He dosn't deserve a painful death, but he's getting one.
I only wish he was really sorry. Not for me, for him. How he can go to death, thinking that abusing the only daughter who really stuck up for you and stuck by you is ok, is a mystery to me, but it's his problem now, not mine.