What if YOU did the abusing? (bit long)

[Elyted]

Yeah, I already posted this on TeenHelp. But I would like to see what you guys have to say.

Well all the topics I have seen are to help people who have been abused. Is there any help for those that made the mistake of doing the abusing?

I sort of did it to my close friend the other day. She trusted me. And I love her so much, I don't know why I did it. I feel disgusted at myself. And now we aren't friends anymore.

Background information is that we went out for 2 months last year. She broke up with me because we just weren't right for each other. We didn't talk for a while, and then we managed to become friends again. And only recently did we start to be really close. I never really stopped liking her.

I was at her house a few days ago. She was a bit sick, so I skipped school for the day to keep her company. Usually when we're alone together, we lie there and cuddle for hours on end. It's amazing. Yet that day, I don't know what the hell I was thinking. She was asleep. And she may have been having a sex dream or something and was sort of rubbing on my leg. So I guess I got aroused and.. I kind of.. pleasured her through her pants. WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP. That's sexual abuse. How could I do that to her?! She's the most important person to me in the whole fucking world. And I betrayed her trust.

I feel awful. I hate myself. She said she would never forgive me. Ever heard of a heavy heart? I feel it. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.. and I am truly sorry for what I did. Yes, i've told her that. But.. she said she would never forgive me. I guess she's right though. I've made plenty of mistakes before, and she's forgiven me every time. But this isn't a simple mistake, this is huge. I don't think that she is really hurt by it, but I guess she's hurt that I would break our friendship like that.

I don't know what to do, i've been crying, and feeling horrible all the time. I'm breaking down and I feel like i'm alone all the time although I know i'm not. I've talked to her friends, which are also my friends, and somehow they don't hate me. But now I can't hang out with them anymore cause she's always with them. So i've lost a bunch of friends as well. And i'm sure people at school will find out and give me crap all the time..

I just don't feel like living anymore. She was the only meaning in my life. And I still love her. But she won't even talk to me. I'm not going to get over this. I don't think she is either.

What can I do..

[nelvannya]

Wow... to be honest that sounds like a case of misunderstanding.. or I dont know.
As a person who has been sexually assaulted, I would kill for him to say sorry. You know I am literally crying as I think about how amazing that would be. He was very brave for saying sorry, he obviously meant no harm, but he cant do anything more. He needs to give her time to process what has happen.
He must leave her alone, and when I mean leave her alone he needs to say his final words one day (do no write it down) and let that be that.
Eventually if she has a good head on her shoulders, she will realize that this was an accident a mistake that he really didnt mean this as a power trip or anything... she will come round in a few years.
Wow he apologized... wow, an actual apology, I just I cant get over that...


Please let him know that he is ,oddly, a hero to me

[Elyted]

Umm yeah actually, it IS me.

And i'm no hero, just a good guy that makes a few too many mistakes.

[sarah2]

I disagree with you nelvannya, I don't think an apology means jack shit. Every time my father fucks up he apologises, he begs, he pleads with me to forgive him, and I used to, and he used to abuse me more, every time I forgave him he told he it would never happen again, well, what a load of bull shit, I've stopped forgiving him because some people just can't be trusted. If you are one of those people, stop apologising, because it wont make any difference, just stay away from her.
Honestly, and I know this is harsh, if she dosn't want to talk to you, or even see you, you should do as she says, you're lucky she dosn't report you. You can say sorry a million times and she may never forgive you, I know I will certainly never forgive my abusers for what they put me through, however many times they said sorry to me, even if they meant it. You have to deal with the consequences of your actions, if that means her not wanting to see you, well, I'm sorry but she's the victim, you stay well away from her if that's what she wants. That also means guilt, which is a very distructive emotion, and you need to find a way to deal with that which isn't denial.
And I know, I've done awful things before, worse than that, I've broken my closest friends trust, I've be so awful to people they have told me to never speak to them again, to find someone else to sponge off, and I had to accept it, they were right, so I left them, and I've never seen them again even though I cared about them, because it was ME who did wrong, it was MY turn for punishment.
It dosn't mean you have to completly beat yourself up, but you need to accept what you've done (which you already seem to have done, which is a step in the right direction) and accept the consequences of your actions, however sorry you are for them.

[Markme]

personally.... i really dont see this as sexual abuse, as really.. she was cuddled up to you in the first place.
But i guess if she is angry about it, then there was some boundaries you crossed..
just try talk to her about it, i mean really... if she was going to cuddle up to you, i cant see how she can be that angry?

note... also moved to help and advice section

and with what sarah said, i agree that no matter how many times you say sorry its not going to mean something unless she can truely see through into you and feel how sorry you are.
words are just one thing, but usually the least effective

[Elyted]

And I know, I've done awful things before, worse than that, I've broken my closest friends trust

Yeah.. that's the thing..

She was also my closest friend. How much worse could it get?

And Markme, we cuddle all the time as friends. So yeah..

[Markme]

any luck with trying to talk to her? or are you trying to stay away from her?

[CyberPhoenix Kay?]

That is quite a confusing situation....

In one way i would not class it as sexual abuse as it wasn't as bad as cases get...

However it is yes, in a way sexual abuse as you took advantage of her sexually.

Brings me to my next point, if she is cuddling you all the time, and you say that you still like her...well she's leading you on, not saying it gives you are right to do that too her, it doesn't, leading NEVER EVER gives to right for sexual abuse.

But if you still liked her, i can 90 Percent guarantee you she knew that you still liked her, and she led you on anyway, Once again, it doesn't give you an excuse for doing what you did, but it was wrong. She shouldn't be leading you on like that.

So here's what you need to do (IN MY OPINION!) You need to have a serious talk to her, sit her down and say, "Look, we need to talk, and if you are stilly angry, well then i will never talk to you again"

Then you explain your side, tell her that it in no way gave you and excuse and you feel like the worst person in the world and such.
You also need to tell her you want to stay friends, but with that, you would need to her all "possibly" beyond friendly activities must come to a stop. Eg. Cuddling, lots of people like to argue that it is normal things for friends to do. It's not. the end. As you can see, it led somwhere bad for you.

If you can convince her you are looking for a friendship and nothing else, then do so.

But maybe if you like this girl still after a year and she doesn't want to be yours again, maybe you should avoid her and cut the ties.

Just giving you my 5 cents.

[Markme]

yes i tottally agree with what cyberphoenix just said, excellent advice!

[Elyted]

To Mark: Well, today was the first time i've seen her since Friday. Cause of school. And yeah, I haven't said anything to her today. She wasn't on the bus this morning like she normally is every Monday. We usually sit next to each other in english last lesson but today we were two seats apart, divided by Jack and Mitch. I didn't say a word the whole lesson and I could hear her talking to them.. and I kind of had a panic attack or something and I couldn't breathe while I was there.. so I sort of just left class. Pretty much been avoiding her.

To CyberPhoenix: Yes, she knew I liked her. Cause I told her. I may attempt to speak with her in a few days maybe but, I don't know. I've already told her all that how I feel, but online so it might be different.

Thanks for the replies all. I'm trying to get through this. It's hard as, i've been like breaking down and shit randomly for the past 3 days.

[CyberPhoenix Kay?]

AHh poor Elyted, this shiz is always tough.

But if you TOLD her that you still liked her, and she let you cuddle...well.. she was definetly in the wrong, like i said, didn't give you any right to do what you did. BUT you are not the only one in the wrong.

and online is DEFINETLY different to in person.

[sarah2]

To be honest, I don't think it makes any difference wether she cuddled up to you or not, wether she was in thr wrong at all because she wasn't crossing the boundary, but you did cross that line, so whatever she did has really very little relevance.
You can say anything you want and it may not make any difference, you need to show her how sorry you are, and it that means staying composed and stearing out of HER way for a few weeks, well, you're just gonna have to do it. You say you cuddled like this all the time, well, she obviously felt safe doing that with you and you've made her stop feeling safe, once you take that away, it's not just gonna take a few days and a little talk over the internet, it's gonna take a while for her to feel safe around you again.

[Markme]

Originally Posted by sarah2
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To be honest, I don't think it makes any difference wether she cuddled up to you or not, wether she was in thr wrong at all because she wasn't crossing the boundary, but you did cross that line, so whatever she did has really very little relevance.
You can say anything you want and it may not make any difference, you need to show her how sorry you are, and it that means staying composed and stearing out of HER way for a few weeks, well, you're just gonna have to do it. You say you cuddled like this all the time, well, she obviously felt safe doing that with you and you've made her stop feeling safe, once you take that away, it's not just gonna take a few days and a little talk over the internet, it's gonna take a while for her to feel safe around you again.

Making a note that it also depends on the person, it could blow over in a couple days in a best case scenario.
Instead of trying to avoid her.. but take a deep breath and tell urself shes either going to continue not talking to you or forgive you after uve said something...
take the courage and just finish this.

[nelvannya]

I personally dont see this a repeat offender. I think you should say your sorry, because you dont repeat offend you havent and dont plan on it. I think you apolgy is a bit different (no offense sarah). I think you should say your last sorry and leave her alone.
For some of us that apology means alot.. eventually

[sarah2]

It's ok to disagree, it's just a different perspective isn't it?
I hope this girl is more like nelvannya than me, for your Elyted's sake!
Tell us how it goes, we do care.