Help...Advice

stigma · 05-03-2008, 05:04 AM

Fuck. I'm drunk, sorry everyone, but right now this feeling i have...it needs input.

When I'm high, or sober, ect....
1) I'm NOT happy to be on this planet
2) Life is pointless
3) Everything is worthless
4) I want to get away, but I can't

When I'm DRUNK...
1) I'm HAPPY to be here
2) I can handle time and waiting
3) The idea of living a day doesn't bother me
4) I could LEAVE my boy friend.

What should I do!?

When I'm sober I can live with him, the world is not so scary with him, I'm not so scared of existance. When I think of being apart from him... I have my biggest fear BORDEM/NOTHING TO DO.

When I'm drunk or REALLY REALLY high I'm fine, it's ok, I can leave him, I can survive, it will be ok.

Without, i'm hopeless.

How do i get out...what do i do?!

nelvannya · 05-03-2008, 06:27 AM

Love this is going to sound quite harsh. And in no means am I trying to be rude...
You have to choose that it is time to get out. You have to say "Look this bloody hurts, I dont want to do this right now. But in the long run this is what is best."
You yourself has to come to a consious decsion that you will no longer be with him. There is nothing more sad to see someone so attached to another person that they essentially abuse themself. I hope that you find your will, determination, and love for yourself to say "This SUCKS, but enough is enough."
NO one else can do that for you, no amount of advice can help you... You seem to have been dealing with this issue for a while, and ultimately the final step is in your hand. WE WILL ALWAYS be here to provided advice, assistance, and to cheer you on. But there is a point that Exasco and others can no longer help you... sometimes you have to help yourself.

I do apologize if that sounded mean, I didnt mean it to.

sarah2 · 05-03-2008, 12:56 PM

I've figured something out recently.
Doing drugs actually makes me more miserable, it makes you miserable too.
That's what you need to get out of to be happy when you're sober. you think you're not happy just because of your life? Well, if you're life revolves around drugs and getting drunk, well, there's your problem.
You make the choice. It's not an easy one, fuck I know that more than most. But you're not hopeless, you have so much, you just can't see it.
Do something different, life isn't pointless, how can you expect to see the point, the worth, the beauty in life when you're clouding your mind and your vision all the time? You're tying a blindfold round your eyes every time you get pissed or get high, there will come a day when you can't see any wonder, when you can't deal with life, when you can't handle time and you can't live another day - when you are drunk or really high, where do you go then huh? When getting fucked dosn't make it go away anymore, there is the nothing. Don't go there, don't join me here where beauty is completly ruined and getting high isn't even enough to cover it all up anymore, because what do I do now? I've got nothing to make it go away now, it's too late, so don't get this far, don't let yourself.

stigma · 05-04-2008, 05:38 AM

Nel, don't worry about being mean! I feel as if I do need things smashed into my head. But I feel like I'm a sick and horrible person, I know I should stop, I know I should change things, I absolutely hate my point in life. For some reason I can't bring myself to do anything.

I think my biggest fear at the moment is boredom. I can't HANDLE being bored, and I'm ALWAYS bored...I always have been. My mom stopped playing games with me at like 5 or 6 because I always won and never wanted to stop. I can't sit still and do nothing for more than 5 minutes. I HATE TV, I'm over video games. I don't know what to do with my time...

I'm stuck in Denver, no way to meet people outside people who drink/use drugs. I've tried making new friends who don't participate. I even mentored highschool aged children through snowboarding to try and give my life some meaning. But it's all stupid. TV is dumb, music is dumb, games are dumb, sports are dumb, clubs are dumb...EVERYTHING there is to do as a human sucks and is not entertaining to me, and it never has been.

sarah2 · 05-04-2008, 12:55 PM

I know what you mean, but you're only bored because you'r crowding your mind with shit. Because you've given yourself only two choice, you feel like you've exhausted all the rest, like, do drugs and only be bored sometimes and fuck yourself up, or be bored all the time. But you know it's not like that.
When I got off drugs the first time, I just hated life, like, seeing it all clearly again, you really realise how shit the world is when you're not peeping out through a haze of opiates, I couldn't go out to a bar, or see my mates, because they all used. I just sat at home smoking and listening to music, it was the dullest thing ever. But then I started getting off my arse and finding things to do. Life dosn't just hand you stuff, you have to go and find them. I started volenteering and I got into contact with people, I spent days sitting at home with my sponser and watching movies and making cakes and just having a laugh again. Give it a go, it takes time to find, but you have to take the time and do it, you can't just give it a short go and think you've covered it all, you havn't.
You're older now, you have plently of oportunities open to you, don't ignore them.
And boredom is usually an excuse we use, like, I was bored and miserable when I was sober, and now I'm fine? Hmm... Don't ever get bored and miserable doing drugs all the time? I sure do, it sucks, realise that IT SUCKS! you don't want to be doing this forever do you? Because honestly, it gets soooo boring.

stigma · 05-06-2008, 06:29 AM

Why when I know all the answers and just what to do, I don't change or even start. I LOVE drugs, I love they way they make me feel, nothing is better, when I'm on them it's all good. I almost want to continue existing this way; i just wish it could be under control. I know that won't work and I should change, but I fucking can't, and I hate myself.

Always have I been a supporter of just do it, fucking do what you know to do. Now I'm in this situation and I can't. Such a hypocrite.

nelvannya · 05-06-2008, 12:59 PM

Hey sorry didnt mean to detract from this thread
Sara: you didnt double post your fine...ur having a conversation.

Stigma I hope that you can find a way of getting this under control. I really thing Sara is an awesome advisor in these kinds of sitituations!

Almost-Insane · 05-06-2008, 02:21 PM

i think the loving how they feel etc is just part of an addiction, in reality its not benificial - think long term if you keep taking drugs for the next 10 years think what effect itll have on your mental health, physical health and your bank account. bottom line is, dont take drugs.

sarah2 · 05-06-2008, 05:54 PM

Lol, thanks nelvannya, I recon that's cos well, I'm in the same situation, but...I've been in it for a while and I've got out and then in again, like, the help I've recieved in the past from NA and that has helped, but ultimatley, it's about your personal will power to make yourself happy and clean, thus, the reason I'm still using too.

Yeah, it is part of addiction, but you know why you love drugs, because you don't give yourself anything else to love! Drugs take up your whole life, I know I've pushed everyone who cares away, so it's easier that way right? Then you don't have any responsibility, it can just be you and your drugs, well, trust me stigma, it gets pretty lonley after a few years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Almost-Insane
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ibottom line is, dont take drugs.

If only it were that simple!

Almost-Insane · 05-06-2008, 09:19 PM

look for other things to love then, dont need to be people get a pet or make a wee garden - plants need love to so start gardning as a hobby itll help...just dont grow weed plants lol.

stigma · 05-06-2008, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Almost-Insane
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look for other things to love then, dont need to be people get a pet or make a wee garden - plants need love to so start gardning as a hobby itll help...just dont grow weed plants lol.

I would LOVE to start gardening, or get a pet (besides a damn ferret who fucking stinks), but I live in downtown Denver, so not much that way is going to happen. And what SUCKS is there is nothing downtown here.

My school has no real clubs to join because of it's structure. There are no "snowboarding clubs" or "hiking" or what ever. There is nothing at my school. I've searched for things to do around the city, but none of it fits my fancy. Bah, I just wish I could snowboard or wakeboard all the time...then i'd be happy.

sarah2 · 05-06-2008, 10:19 PM

Heh, it sucks I know, but you have to try harder!
When I last cleaned up, it took me months of sitting around the house and being depressed untill I decided to go out and do something, I live in a small town too, but there is always something, no excuses!

CyberPhoenix Kay? · 05-06-2008, 11:06 PM

Hehe, I never have and never will take a drug (other than a painkiller or such) so my opinion probably not worth much, but i agree with what almost and Sarah are saying, in that yeah, i'm sure that you can find somthing else to love other than people, and there HAS to be somthing you like doing...If not, Start your own club
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It's do able. you got the brains
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stigma · 05-07-2008, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CyberPhoenix Kay?
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It's do able. you got the brains
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Don't know how much about my brains :p

Almost-Insane · 05-07-2008, 11:57 AM

have you got a job? put in for more hours or if u dont like it then get one u do like (assuming your old enough to work as i dont know how old u are or what the working age in denver is) or take up a fitness regime, itll keep you occupied and will help keep your body healthy. plus exercise makes you happy-ish (releases endorphins etc) so depression wont be as much of a thing.