The Struggle

[Markme]

The Struggle:
More pain than I can bare. I fall into the pit of sadness again. My eyes fill with tears yet again. Though I should be out of tears by now, 2 straight days of hard almost endless tears. When will it end? Friends of all kinds try to help but at no avail. Until one comes along to offer the most promising, most useful advice; Write. Words, the love of my life, fill my mind. I am filled with hope again. I struggle to put my pain and feelings into words. Jumbled and mixed, I continue to write. Unable to establish an efficient enough beginning. I stumble over myself again. What am I supposed to do? What do I write? How do put into words how I feel, in a manner that you can all accept?

The Realization:
Its easier to stay the same and run away into yourself and hide than it is to change. In the past I would just go into myself and mope around and feel sorry for myself, all the while hating everyone and everything for who and what I am. Now that I am older and stronger I learned that, that doesnt work anymore. If I want to destroy my depression and become that better person I see inside myself I knew I had to change. No more feeling sorry for myself, no more moping around, no more silly childish games of playing the victim. Im old enough now to help myself. I dont need to rely on all of you to make me feel better. I dont need any of you to make me feel alive. I have a heart, a brain, and a soul of my own. I think Im going to learn how to use them now. I knew I needed to come to this conclusion a long time ago. I knew I needed this, I just was waiting until I was strong enough. Now I am.

My Dedication.
I dont give up. I find the words and twist them into emotions, taint them with feeling and release them upon the world. I create a new understanding. I make it mine and I strive to keep it alive.

Inner Courage:
Alone I create the new me. Though inspiration came from a friend. Borrowed courage and inner strength. I give in to my truth and dedicate myself to my work. Taking an idea and torturing it until it fits me. Bending the rules and finding myself lost inside, but not struggling anymore. I trudge on through my darkness creating my own light.

The do's and donts:
I need to stop talking about all my problems. I dont need to rehash them over and over again. I dont need to rely on others to keep me happy. If I need something I should get it for myself. It is ok to talk to people and offer support, comfort, a helping hand, sympathy and a shoulder to cry on. It is not ok to force my opinions or views upon others. It is ok to let people in to my life as long as they are kept out of my inner core. It is not ok to allow someone to reach inside of me and cause me to hurt. It is ok to love and admire others, to let them know I understand and care. It is not ok to hurt myself or allow myself to cry or bother over small things, etc.

Inner Revision:
I throw away everything inside that doesnt fit in. I redesign myself into someone more capable of being alone, more sufficient for a healthy life. The things inside that clash are destroyed. I tear out all shadows and shove them into the light. Killing the demons with words, I reign over myself once again.

The Dying Out:
Weakness inside dies, a slow and agonizing death. I show no mercy to weakness.

The Living:
The strength inside aids me to live again. Sorrow, guilt, misery, anguish, self punishment all are removed from me. Learning how to live again, learning how to feel again, learning how to treat myself and treat others, and learning how to prosper instead of fall into ruin.