All I feel at the moment is complete and utter loneliness. I feel heart broken again and now I'm not even sure why. Perhaps it was seeing my father again, perhaps it's just life.
I want someone to hold me close and tell me everything is going to be ok, but I can't trust anyone.
Seb left such a deep mark on my heart that there is a huge part of me that feels like I can't be in that position with another person again, because it hurt so much when he died, it still eats away at me, how...

sarah2

I want to die, end of, hate this.
Methadone is shit, I need MORE than they are giving me, I'm going fucking mad, I need MOREEE.
Fucks sake. I just want to go out, and score and get fucked. Can't fucking deal with this. Ah fucks sake, fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Is this worth it? I don't want to be on fucking methadone for the next few months, fuck that! Heroin, methadone, they\re basically the same right? Why didn't they just give me fucking heroin instead right?
Jesus Christ,...

sarah2

I feel really stupid tonight, just like I havn't got a mind, all cloudy and confused, but kind of peaceful and gently fucked, it's not bad!
I'm just thinking, just sort of, worrying. I'm scared, I am so afraid, I feel like there is something eating me away from inside and there sort of is isnt there? I feel like I'm completly ignoring this huge part of me that should be there, like saying 'look after yourself', like I don't have that part of me anymore. I am scared to die, but not, not scared...

sarah2

Fuck, I really wish I could just talk shit over you know?
Just get it all out and stop lying to everyone, well, and like open up to myself. It's fucking scary though.
I want someone so badly to just be here, someone to hug and just break it down with me, try and sort shit out.
I'm so fucking lonely and I can't deal with being so alone at the moment.
I don't want to be ashamed anymore, but I dunno how to make this shame go away, I don't know how to stop hating myself...

sarah2

Talking to someone, so I'll ramble to myself.
Aw man. I actually had kinda weird fun today. Got so fucked and now I'm all alone in my fucking room. I've been throwing shit around, broke a light. My sponsers a bit pissed off.
I always think, shouldn't there be more than this, there must be something, everyone seems to keep going on about it.
But you know, I don't even fucking recon there is! Ahah. I think I've fucking got it. Just have a laugh and fuck it. Fuck the consequences...

sarah2

Why do people just kick you when you're down?

No one seems to give a shit about me. I can't cope with this anymore and I'm sick of it.
How come the people I thought I could rely on, using or sober, arn't there for me now? I know I'm being selfish but I need someone to save me right now. I cannot seem to save myself. And no one else even knows I need saving.
I just want to say, let go.
But I can't.
No one needs me, no one even knows I exist. I've been...

sarah2

I just feel like complaining.
This is so fucking shit. I rememeber when life was fun! Only vaugley though. fucking hell. I can't see anything. I'm not this, this is not who I am.
I really have fucked up. I've been avoiding paying money, I'm all bruised all over my arms and face and chest. I can't actuallly go on like this.
Life is dragging on. I need it to end one way or another. I actually can't do this. Bollocks.
How did it get this bad? I just spend all this money,...

sarah2

Saturday was a terrfying prospect for me.
But I was amazingly calm. And I realised I have spent 2 years destroying myself. I have been a drug addict for 3 and a half years and have been taking heroin for 2 and a half. What have I done during those times? Nothing. Just fucked up.
I love Seb, but I don't feel so passionate about him anymore. Lying at his grave on Saturday, thinking, 2 years gone was hard. So I shot up. But somehow, in my subconcious, it was still there, the pain. Heroin...

sarah2

blog I know. But life is boring when I'm sober, so I'll be posting a lot I suppose.
Sigh.
My sponser hates me. I'm such an idiot.
I can't live here, but she wont kick me out. Although she did last time, she was angry and this calm disaproval is actually worse.
At least when she kicked me out I could hate her for it.
But now she's being nice. It's the, I'm not angry, I'm upset.
And I love my sponser, so I hate to upset her.
But heroin just matters...

sarah2

That life is not screeching but slowly breaking down, battering and spluttering on the way to a stop.
It's half 3 in the morning. I've yet to go out. I need to. But I'm just sitting, waiting, persperating, worrying.
I can't live here. I can't live at all.
And the stupid thing is I do it to myself. Completly. I've no excuse anymore.
I used to whine and whine, 'Oh, I do drugs because....' and at least I had a decent reason, I wasn't one of those 'oh life is hard, hand me...

sarah2