Stupid

I feel really stupid tonight, just like I havn't got a mind, all cloudy and confused, but kind of peaceful and gently fucked, it's not bad!
I'm just thinking, just sort of, worrying. I'm scared, I am so afraid, I feel like there is something eating me away from inside and there sort of is isnt there? I feel like I'm completly ignoring this huge part of me that should be there, like saying 'look after yourself', like I don't have that part of me anymore. I am scared to die, but not, not scared enough. I want to be really terrified of pain and whats gonna happen if I don't do something and go see the doctors and really get control of this thing controlling me, but I'm not scared enough to give up all the shit I have to. It's not a case of, I don't know what to do, it's like, I know exactly what I have to do, but I can't be bothered! I can't be fucking bothered to save myself.
I will proberbly get very very ill if I don't, but I just can't be fucked! I need motivation, I need to care again, about someone, about something, about me, I want to care about something other than getting fucked to ignore the fear and then perhaps I'll get the hospital in time, because I leave this, I'm fucked. Why can't I realise, like, really realise it? Why can't I care?