Wishing

Fuck, I really wish I could just talk shit over you know?
Just get it all out and stop lying to everyone, well, and like open up to myself. It's fucking scary though.
I want someone so badly to just be here, someone to hug and just break it down with me, try and sort shit out.
I'm so fucking lonely and I can't deal with being so alone at the moment.
I don't want to be ashamed anymore, but I dunno how to make this shame go away, I don't know how to stop hating myself and start helping myself. It's all layed out in front of me and I can't reach out and take it, it's so fucking hard. Jesus fucking christ.
I wish I wasn't so scared too. I wish I could just accept this, and get on with it. But I don't know how to, how to accept this. I just want to continue blocking it out forever and ever, but I know it's the worst thing I could do. I don't want to lose the scrap of dignaty I have left.
As hard as life is and as much as I throw it around like a play thing, I don't want to lose it, I want to live, but I just don't know how. I'm changing, I don't feel like Saz anymore. Fucks sake.