Its all me.
Posted 01-30-2008 at 09:56 PM by sarah2
Why do people just kick you when you're down?
No one seems to give a shit about me. I can't cope with this anymore and I'm sick of it.
How come the people I thought I could rely on, using or sober, arn't there for me now? I know I'm being selfish but I need someone to save me right now. I cannot seem to save myself. And no one else even knows I need saving.
I just want to say, let go.
But I can't.
No one needs me, no one even knows I exist. I've been written off by everyone and I'm an official nothing now. I don't want to be nothing, I am someone, I am something. I wish I knew how to grow into that.
I know the only way for me to survive in the long run is to stop using. But in the short term, that just isn't an option.
Just ah.
My father is getting worse and worse. My addiction is getting worse and worse. My debts are amounting to thousands of pounds. I can't see a fucking way out.
And you know, I don't want to get out.
But then again, I don't want to die!
I just don't see how this is going to work.
Someone tell me what to do, I can't work this out, I can't do this alone and I've never felt so out of reality.
I just hate myself. I hate myself. I hate me, Sarah, I hate me so much.
What have I fucking done?
I've fucked up. I've made all this happen. It's all my fault. Oh fuck, I hate myself. I just hate myself.
I've never felt so much hate.
It's all my fault isn't it? It's me. If it werent for me, none of this would've happened. My father wouldn't be a pervert and an alcoholic, he's probly still be with mother, Seb would be alive, he would never have done those awful things, my baby wouln't have died, my sponser wouldn't be so upset all the time. I've done this. I've ruined their lives.
And all those men, all those guys who I ripped off, that guy who Seb beat till he just didn't move, all those perverts who give me their money, it's me who makes them cheat on their wives and girlfriends - if I wasn't there, they wouldn't do it, all those normal people we robbed. Fuck. Those resources at the hospital that have been constantly wasted on me, those wonderful people at the centre that I've just let down again and again and again.
All the lovely people at soberteens, and all of you guys who care. I've let everyone down.
I've been doing it for years.
What have I fucking done.
I can't live with myself. I just want to go. I just want to die.
Fuck/
No one seems to give a shit about me. I can't cope with this anymore and I'm sick of it.
How come the people I thought I could rely on, using or sober, arn't there for me now? I know I'm being selfish but I need someone to save me right now. I cannot seem to save myself. And no one else even knows I need saving.
I just want to say, let go.
But I can't.
No one needs me, no one even knows I exist. I've been written off by everyone and I'm an official nothing now. I don't want to be nothing, I am someone, I am something. I wish I knew how to grow into that.
I know the only way for me to survive in the long run is to stop using. But in the short term, that just isn't an option.
Just ah.
My father is getting worse and worse. My addiction is getting worse and worse. My debts are amounting to thousands of pounds. I can't see a fucking way out.
And you know, I don't want to get out.
But then again, I don't want to die!
I just don't see how this is going to work.
Someone tell me what to do, I can't work this out, I can't do this alone and I've never felt so out of reality.
I just hate myself. I hate myself. I hate me, Sarah, I hate me so much.
What have I fucking done?
I've fucked up. I've made all this happen. It's all my fault. Oh fuck, I hate myself. I just hate myself.
I've never felt so much hate.
It's all my fault isn't it? It's me. If it werent for me, none of this would've happened. My father wouldn't be a pervert and an alcoholic, he's probly still be with mother, Seb would be alive, he would never have done those awful things, my baby wouln't have died, my sponser wouldn't be so upset all the time. I've done this. I've ruined their lives.
And all those men, all those guys who I ripped off, that guy who Seb beat till he just didn't move, all those perverts who give me their money, it's me who makes them cheat on their wives and girlfriends - if I wasn't there, they wouldn't do it, all those normal people we robbed. Fuck. Those resources at the hospital that have been constantly wasted on me, those wonderful people at the centre that I've just let down again and again and again.
All the lovely people at soberteens, and all of you guys who care. I've let everyone down.
I've been doing it for years.
What have I fucking done.
I can't live with myself. I just want to go. I just want to die.
Fuck/
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