Here we are again.

Saturday was a terrfying prospect for me.
But I was amazingly calm. And I realised I have spent 2 years destroying myself. I have been a drug addict for 3 and a half years and have been taking heroin for 2 and a half. What have I done during those times? Nothing. Just fucked up.
I love Seb, but I don't feel so passionate about him anymore. Lying at his grave on Saturday, thinking, 2 years gone was hard. So I shot up. But somehow, in my subconcious, it was still there, the pain. Heroin is a vindictive drug. It has taken everything away from me. I've got nothing I don't even have my dignaty or oh just any emotion or pride. But I still don't want to stop.
I love shooting up. I love injections and snorting and being away from reality. Even when reality creeps back I'm in a haze. A fog. I feel safe in the mist, I feel comfortable because I am not real.
I feel like I've been dealt the bad cards in life, but in fact I havn't. I've had so many opportunities but I've fucked them all up.
All for that beautiful brown stuff (oh! the impurities). Is it worth it? Is my life worth it? You know what, I feel like it is.
I'm so alone and bored with myself. I'm not angry, I'm not sad and I'm definatly not happy, I don't feel anymore. It's like comparing snorting to injecting, (ok, weird analogy, but I stick with what I know), you sort coke and your nose goes all numb, your lips and face go a bit numb, and sort of inside, you go a bit numb. When you inject it, the numbness pumps through your body so quickly, it's beautiful. I feel like I'm pumping myself with beautiful, wonderful numbess each time I do skag.
I wish I could be angry sometimes though. Seeing my father again should've made me angry, but I feel like I deserve what I get, and I just can't fight back anymore. The first time I was sexually abused, I resisted as much as I could, but I've just got no strength anymore, I've got nothing. And I'm so used to this, fucking for money and being raped, it all goes into the same box in my head of, put away and leave it at the back of the cupboard, and just do some heroin to keep it there.
I want to keep going untill I die really. But, I've just not acheived anything yet. I feel stupid, to die and not acheive anything. No one to really remember me or who I am. It's stupid that I should care.
And as much as people say heroin kills people, will kill me, well, at the moment, it's saving my life, it's keeping me alive.
In the words of Blur, This is, most certainly, a low.