A strange feeling

That life is not screeching but slowly breaking down, battering and spluttering on the way to a stop.
It's half 3 in the morning. I've yet to go out. I need to. But I'm just sitting, waiting, persperating, worrying.
I can't live here. I can't live at all.
And the stupid thing is I do it to myself. Completly. I've no excuse anymore.
I used to whine and whine, 'Oh, I do drugs because....' and at least I had a decent reason, I wasn't one of those 'oh life is hard, hand me a needle' I mean, it was pretty awful, I feel almost excusable for my behaviour, so much shit did happen.
but now. I've a home, a mother figure who cares about me, I'm back at school and I've a job, be it a volenteer one.
I'm meant to be fulfilled! So why am I still using heroin? I'm not being abused and my lover hasn't just died, I'm mot back in those dark places anymore.
And when I think I've moved on, started afresh, then, I mess up.
And I fucking enjoy it! What is wrong with me?
Is it unresovled issues? What havn't I fucking covered?
And it's almost like, I can't do normal. I have a normal life now, re taking my GCSE's, annoying class mates and teachers, a nagging mother figure in the name of my Na sponser. I have a get up at 8, drag clothes on, attempt to get over myself and eat something, go to school, come home at 4, watch tv and sleep life.
And I can't handle it.
I miss the hedonism! I miss the sex and drugs and well, it was hardley rock and roll, but at least I had fun sometimes.
Even when I was living on the streets at least I was fucked out of my face most of the time.
When I lived in the cemetry I was contantly high, it that state of utter orgasmic ecstasy that only heavy drug use can induce.
But now, sitting in a room on the computer, my eyes hurt no wonder I've gone back to using.
Perhaps I'm meant to fuck it. People always used to say I was meant to be famous and die some ridiculas wonderful death early on.
Is that truley my destiny?
I can't help thinking it isn't though. Seb died, why didn't I? So many times I could've, but I still didn't, even the heroin overdose (thus the reason I refuse to live in that fucking skag den this time, it was horrible, and I'm not getting back into that line of work, I hate my father but he feeds my wonderful habit).
Sigh. But if I quit then it's back to normality. Back to school, back to reality, back to my mind and facing people in a state of complete and utter sobriety. I can't handle the boring, square, dull, grey world like that. I'm an exciting person, I need action and drama, even if it is meddling with life and death and money and power and drugs and my mind.
At least it's something?
Am I just trying to make what I'm doing ok in my head.
I was getting so far in the NA steps as well...