down in my soul where i hardly ever go i had nailed your head to a post

to top it all off I'm coming down with a cold. probably caught it from the guy I was talking about music to at the concert I went to on Friday. definitely going to drop that morning class today, that or take it as a pass fail, which means I'm just gonna show up half the time and take notes but not do any of the projects. so idk if that's worth it.

ever listen to your favorite musician, that one that has all the songs that speak to you personally? the one that each song seems like its about you or something that happened in your life? Last night was listening to mine and his words rang so hollow it was ire. though I think I'm lucky. If anything rang true I would have been more of a mess then what I was. "shes gone for good you should know by now, she aint comin back any how, and a love to her is a love that's gone away. And its over." lryics always seem ominous to me and I always dread them like they're a final nail in a coffin.
she's talking to me again so i guess thats a good sign. idk how i can trust her any more though, she always seemed like she was holding back emotionally but i figured she would let me know stuff when it was important. guess thats why when trouble starts it always comes as a surprise out of no where. she was saying that her friend cares more, thats why she spends so much time there, knew that lesbian was trouble from the start. I'm all for her having friends, gives her something to do when I'm not a round. but since I've gotten to school its like I'm a third wheel all of a sudden. I need to send her more letters in the mail, that should help if she gets them in the middle of the week then i get home on the weekend, should be enough to hold her over.
Idk, I just want things to be better. I always think I'm trying harder but apparently I never am. time money and effort is always the issue. either I dont have the money to do nice things, or our schedule conflicts and we dont have enough time to do something, or i suggest doing stuff and she doesnt want to, so were left doing the same old same old. always feel like my hand are tied.

I really dont get it. First she gets upset that we dont talk enough and that I'm never around since I'm up at school, even though so far I've been home more times then last year. she always goes to her friends house and smokes pot. I'm starting to feel like a third wheel. she says that her friend actually cares more then I do and makes her laugh and that the past few times we've been together shes had to force herself to happy.
I have trouble believing this. I dont want her becoming a pot head, I didnt start off dating one, so theres no reason why I should be dating one. why would she have these double standards? shed rather go over her friends then talk with me. sure I dont blame her, gives her something to do and occupies her, but then she cant complain that she never talks to me right? cause shes the one thats not around, I'm left waiting for her to show up when she feels like it.
plus smoking all the time takes the fun out of it cause its not going to be special if you smoke all the time. thats why Ive cut back. she got mad at me last year for going out to smoke all the time, and now the roll has reversed. theres no reason to be smoking multiple days in a row like that.
i want attention damn it. and when ever i try to bring up any of this she doesnt want to deal with me cause me being grouchy irks her. yet when its her doing the complaining, she goes off the deep end and wants to break up.
feel like she doesnt get what I'm saying.


... yet sometimes i think it gets through. idk this is complicated cause i dont want to tick her off, yet I still want to be part of her life. ugh.

ugh what the hells going on. everything was fine then we start talking about her friend and I'm doing fine, I'm staying legitimately and she accuses me of being sarcastic and that everything leads back to my "issue since I've been at school" wtf is that supposed to mean? and to top it off she told her friend that I was being grouchy that they were hanging around too much, now she things that I don't like her friend, which is completely untrue she fucking gave me free shit, that gets awesome written next to your name in my book. hell if she was spending too much time with her grandma or her sister I would be acting the same way and just as grumpy. It has nothing to do with the friend what so ever. thats why I'm being so supportive of her getting the tattoo done, its fine, I have nothing against the girl, and its a great idea for a tattoo so why is there so much fucking drama? I'm actually improving my attitude isn't that a good thing?

and now get this, she's saying that I don't give her enough attention!!! hahahaha lmfao can you fucking believe that shit?!? Me?! the one that waits for her to come back to work so that I can talk to her, only to find out that she'd rather spend time with her friend, after I've told her on countless times that I've felt like I haven't gotten attention, only to be told that I'm being ridiculous, overreacting, silly, have an attitude etc. now she's saying I don't give her enough attention; well I sure as hell would if she were fucking around at all.
what the hell is going on? maybe I'm crazy maybe I'm not seeing the logic in this. even on an emotional level how does this make any sort of sense what so ever?
one night, one night I go and play a card game with friends, not doing anything else (no drinking smoking etc) best behavior ever, she's stuck at home and she feels like she's not getting attention, wtf after what? a month and a half of me having to deal with the same thing? I've wanted nothing but to give her attention this whole time, its been completely up to her to let me.

she doesn't trust me enough to open up to me after 2 and a half years. where did i go wrong?

AND!! this friend confesses that she has strong feelings for my girl friend!! wtf is this shit!?! I said it from the beginning that they were overly friendly, hell seeing the two together they're flirting for crying out loud. I was fine with them being friends but if this chick is going to start moving in on my territory I feel uneasy about that, my gf has already told her that the feelings aren't mutual and to drop them if they are going to continue to be friends. which is fine by me cause then things go back to normal, no worries. but like we were supposed to have plans for Halloween that are now screwed up cause this friend doesn't want to go since I'm going. and she gets upset when my girlfriend doesn't give her enough attention wtf their just friends she can get over it. no wonder her friend has developed a crush on her, she gives her so much attention and is over her house all the time, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.
its not appropriate to be spending so much time with her, specially now and even more inappropriate to be spending the night over, gf shouldn't be getting so high that she cant drive home at night. plus she wastes so much money on gas driving back and forth from her house she never has any money to spend or any gas money to see me.
she needs to realize that this kind of behavior is not appropriate and needs to be fixed and if her friend is going to try to keep crossing the line then she needs to get rid of her. I'm not dealing with a third wheel that's trying to push me out and I don't appreciate her creating all this drama because she's selfish and stupid enough to realize that my gf is taken. stupid fucking dikes!