The roller coaster

[stigma]

So I just think that my life is going to be forever stuck on a roller coaster with too many "downs". I'm lost again...so, hello again.
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[nelvannya]

Lost how are you lost... explain

[Markme]

hey stiggy,
whats been going on in your life lately?

still hitting up the good acid?
ive heard their is some hell insane acid you can get, makes you see sounds..

[stigma]

My mind is a complete mess. After my issues with being cheated on I feel different about the world. When people are late or not where they said they would be, I think I'm getting "cheated on". I look at couples walking down the street and just think, "they're not really happy".

I can't make any decisions either. I'm always anxious and don't know if the decision I'm making is me, or the other me. I feel like there are two brains in my head. They are always fighting and there is never a real winner so every thing I do, I'm not sure if I should do. Should I break up with him, should I go back home, should I....

The worst is the complete body/earth separation I am having. I feel as if I am in a permanent out of body experience (not fully), I don't know who is in my own skin, and then I look at the world around me and am totally confused as to what is going on. Who are all these "humans", why do we matter so fucking much? I just want to feel like I am grounded, I always feel weird, out of place, and not right.

I am horrible in social situations, I wake up with so much anxiety that even a couple hours of yoga does nothing to calm me down.

Thats KINDA how I feel, not all of it, but class starts soon, I don't know why I even go anymore! All I do is skip and go snowboarding, and even snowboarding isn't making me "happy" like it used to, I'm not loving the act of riding with the mountain. I just want to get the fuck away from everyone.

The drugs (aka: acid), hasn't happened in a while, I am still slightly concerned about school, and going blown up to school isn't a good idea. Though I've gotten myself back into oxy's and other things. Probably have not been sober in months now, my body feels horrible, though I'm not sick, and I'm gaining weight (which sucks cause I'm too poor to buy new fucking pants, and my god damn thighs chafe!). I rolled a couple times in the last months, and one was a big blow out, took so many that I couldn't remember who I was, where I was, or what I had said about 2 seconds before (truly! I think my seratonin was saturated, or close). I enjoyed this more than ever, probably going to do it this weekend again...I just want to forget everything. My life, my past everything, I think I want to die.

I just don't know whats in my own head. All my thoughts are jumbled. One moment I'll be sure of doing something (like breaking up with him or making a life change, or even going to the bar), but then the next that feeling of complete assurance goes away and I'm not sure, second guess.

I have a life long problem of mulling over the past. Things that bothered me in the past just stick out and I think about them and only them. All I think about are the "issues" in my life...even if they are as little as wishing I didn't say something in a conversation. I just hate myself, I always lie to my friends to keep them out and that makes it worse. I just want the thoughts to go away.

Sigh, there's more, but I've got class, and I skipped yesterday.

[Markme]

stig, when it comes to your boyfriend, what is the first thing that comes to your head and dont lie and change it to a good thing, because then ur just lying to yourself.

Then act apon what the first thought is no matter what.

I dont know what Oxy's are but if they can fuck you up that bad perhaps dont take as many next time?
Instead try go on a spiritual journey, find out who are you discover your most inner dreams and use them.
noting to do this you need a clear mind or... something else thats gonna send u on a trip like that.

at one point in my life i wanted to die, i thought about it quite alot.. i even nearly did it.
But when you see all the people that are dying/dead and they were soo happy when they were alive and they didnt want to go, it makes life that little bit more bareable.
Why throw away something that others want but cant have?
Stay alive, for yourself.

And being paranoid about partners sucks, your cant be happy with them, you cant be happy without them... its a dilema.
I think you should tell him how you feel.
And let in atleast ONE of your friends, you will be amazed at how much peace one person can bring to your life.
instead of holding onto everything until your life starts to fall apart and you break down.

[stigma]

I try.

I'm not going to kill myself, not in the picture, but I really just want to stop existing. I feel like I've gone crazy. My thoughts always race, they make no sense. I need white walls and a straight jacket.

[Markme]

do you feel that you need to be placed in mental care so that you can save yourself?

i think its a good idea actually, not the whole being locked up in a white padded room, but seeking the help when you need it, do you know any where that could help you?

[stigma]

Yeah, I'm doing therapy at school (it's sweet and free). They tell me I'm depressed and such, but I'm not able to make good progress.

I feel as if I'm loosing touch with reality. It's strange, I feel like a stranger in my own skin, the world feels scary. I hate putting gas in my car; I feel as if the station will explode. I see men working on the way to school and feel like they may attack me with the tool they're holding. Strange fears...I'm just lost in my own little world.

[heartstrings]

are you diagnosed with anything else? the out-of-body mindset and irrational beliefs (ex. at the gas station) could be a sign of a mental disorder beyond depression.

[stigma]

No, not diagnosed with anything else right now. I'm dealing with psychology students being overseen by their professors, so I don't know how good of a evaluation I'm getting. I'm trying to find money for a real shrink, but that just can't happen right now.

Sometimes I think I'm manic or even schitzo, but from my current psychology class I don't fit enough of the symptoms of either of those. I fit into "depression" and thats what I'm told I have. I hate psychology.

[heartstrings]

does your school offer any professional consultation?
well, you can have really mild cases of things, it doesn't have to be full blown everything. with your lifestyle I'm not sure if medication is your answer (mixing and your lack of ability to quit) but I'm not sure what it will take to throw you out of the loop.

[stigma]

Yes, they offer professional therapy, but it's not free. It's fucking lame.

[heartstrings]

does your health insurance cover any therapy?

[stigma]

Not really, like 5 sessions a year.

[Markme]

well the characteristics could be bipolar, a good person to speak about that with would be tommeh as he knows about it first hand.
bipolar is more likely because you have a euphoric high and also you have manic stages.

and that sounds pretty dodgy being seen by med students.