[Elyted]

Yeah, I already posted this on TeenHelp. But I would like to see what you guys have to say.

Well all the topics I have seen are to help people who have been abused. Is there any help for those that made the mistake of doing the abusing?

I sort of did it to my close friend the other day. She trusted me. And I love her so much, I don't know why I did it. I feel disgusted at myself. And now we aren't friends anymore.

Background information is that we went out for 2 months last year. She broke up with me because we just weren't right for each other. We didn't talk for a while, and then we managed to become friends again. And only recently did we start to be really close. I never really stopped liking her.

I was at her house a few days ago. She was a bit sick, so I skipped school for the day to keep her company. Usually when we're alone together, we lie there and cuddle for hours on end. It's amazing. Yet that day, I don't know what the hell I was thinking. She was asleep. And she may have been having a sex dream or something and was sort of rubbing on my leg. So I guess I got aroused and.. I kind of.. pleasured her through her pants. WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP. That's sexual abuse. How could I do that to her?! She's the most important person to me in the whole fucking world. And I betrayed her trust.

I feel awful. I hate myself. She said she would never forgive me. Ever heard of a heavy heart? I feel it. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.. and I am truly sorry for what I did. Yes, i've told her that. But.. she said she would never forgive me. I guess she's right though. I've made plenty of mistakes before, and she's forgiven me every time. But this isn't a simple mistake, this is huge. I don't think that she is really hurt by it, but I guess she's hurt that I would break our friendship like that.

I don't know what to do, i've been crying, and feeling horrible all the time. I'm breaking down and I feel like i'm alone all the time although I know i'm not. I've talked to her friends, which are also my friends, and somehow they don't hate me. But now I can't hang out with them anymore cause she's always with them. So i've lost a bunch of friends as well. And i'm sure people at school will find out and give me crap all the time..

I just don't feel like living anymore. She was the only meaning in my life. And I still love her. But she won't even talk to me. I'm not going to get over this. I don't think she is either.

What can I do..