[Markme]

stig, when it comes to your boyfriend, what is the first thing that comes to your head and dont lie and change it to a good thing, because then ur just lying to yourself.

Then act apon what the first thought is no matter what.

I dont know what Oxy's are but if they can fuck you up that bad perhaps dont take as many next time?
Instead try go on a spiritual journey, find out who are you discover your most inner dreams and use them.
noting to do this you need a clear mind or... something else thats gonna send u on a trip like that.

at one point in my life i wanted to die, i thought about it quite alot.. i even nearly did it.
But when you see all the people that are dying/dead and they were soo happy when they were alive and they didnt want to go, it makes life that little bit more bareable.
Why throw away something that others want but cant have?
Stay alive, for yourself.

And being paranoid about partners sucks, your cant be happy with them, you cant be happy without them... its a dilema.
I think you should tell him how you feel.
And let in atleast ONE of your friends, you will be amazed at how much peace one person can bring to your life.
instead of holding onto everything until your life starts to fall apart and you break down.