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My mind is a complete mess. After my issues with being cheated on I feel different about the world. When people are late or not where they said they would be, I think I'm getting "cheated on". I look at couples walking down the street and just think, "they're not really happy".
I can't make any decisions either. I'm always anxious and don't know if the decision I'm making is me, or the other me. I feel like there are two brains in my head. They are always fighting and there is never a real winner so every thing I do, I'm not sure if I should do. Should I break up with him, should I go back home, should I....
The worst is the complete body/earth separation I am having. I feel as if I am in a permanent out of body experience (not fully), I don't know who is in my own skin, and then I look at the world around me and am totally confused as to what is going on. Who are all these "humans", why do we matter so fucking much? I just want to feel like I am grounded, I always feel weird, out of place, and not right.
I am horrible in social situations, I wake up with so much anxiety that even a couple hours of yoga does nothing to calm me down.
Thats KINDA how I feel, not all of it, but class starts soon, I don't know why I even go anymore! All I do is skip and go snowboarding, and even snowboarding isn't making me "happy" like it used to, I'm not loving the act of riding with the mountain. I just want to get the fuck away from everyone.
The drugs (aka: acid), hasn't happened in a while, I am still slightly concerned about school, and going blown up to school isn't a good idea. Though I've gotten myself back into oxy's and other things. Probably have not been sober in months now, my body feels horrible, though I'm not sick, and I'm gaining weight (which sucks cause I'm too poor to buy new fucking pants, and my god damn thighs chafe!). I rolled a couple times in the last months, and one was a big blow out, took so many that I couldn't remember who I was, where I was, or what I had said about 2 seconds before (truly! I think my seratonin was saturated, or close). I enjoyed this more than ever, probably going to do it this weekend again...I just want to forget everything. My life, my past everything, I think I want to die.
I just don't know whats in my own head. All my thoughts are jumbled. One moment I'll be sure of doing something (like breaking up with him or making a life change, or even going to the bar), but then the next that feeling of complete assurance goes away and I'm not sure, second guess.
I have a life long problem of mulling over the past. Things that bothered me in the past just stick out and I think about them and only them. All I think about are the "issues" in my life...even if they are as little as wishing I didn't say something in a conversation. I just hate myself, I always lie to my friends to keep them out and that makes it worse. I just want the thoughts to go away.
Sigh, there's more, but I've got class, and I skipped yesterday.
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